Sunday Funnies: Obama/Pelosi jokes

I got this in my email:

Late Night Guys Have Obama Figured Out!


The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.

We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

--- Jay Leno


Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

--- Conan O'Brien


Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

--- Jay Leno


Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.

--- David Letterman


Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!

--- Jimmy Fallon


Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

--- Jimmy Kimmel


Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

--- David Letterman


Smile, it adds face value!

     

Sunday Funnies, 12-20-09

Here are some jokes I got in my email:

A Slow Day in Texas

It's a slow day in the little Texas town of Port O'Connor. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk and says he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

Sad but true. And if one link in that chain of events breaks, there would be trouble. Next joke:

Little Johnny

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades and there was really nothing to do. All the kids are restless and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln".

The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go".



Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".

The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go".



Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".

The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go".



Johnny was BOILING MAD by now that Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said,

"I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher spun around and said, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

One more:

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries,
a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I laughed at this, but it also reminded me of something.

I have a very dear aunt, who is in her 80's. She had always been an excellent driver. But one day, she found herself driving the wrong way on a one way street, towards an oncoming truck. She avoided the accident, but she had no recollection of how she got in that situation.

It was the first time something like that happened to her, and she made up her mind it would be the last. She voluntarily surrendered her drivers license. It was hard for her to do, because she loved to drive, but she's also a very sensible lady. She also didn't want to put anyone else's life at risk.

The family are all glad because we want to keep her around as long as possible, God bless her.
     

Sunday Funnies, 07-05-09

Here is a "ghost" story from my email:

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him ... and it stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there wasn't anybody behind the wheel.

And the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started crying, ... begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying hysterically, and ... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night.

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

"Look, Paddy ... there's the asshole who got in the car while we were pushin' it !

Also from my email, check out this modern version of the "Noah's Ark" story:

Noah Today
     

"The Land That Made Me, Me"... days long gone

Got this email recently, it had a lot more pictures, but I only used some of them. It ends with a tribute to Bob Hope, and some of his funniest quotes:

I have no idea who put this together, but, it's wonderful!!


Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.




We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.




We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.




And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.




We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.




We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.




We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, and Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.




We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.




We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.




Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.




We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea

Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda , and cats were not called Bill.




And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.




So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

For those of you too young to remember
Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents!!!
And thanks for the memories............






I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.

Tribute to a man who DID make a difference:

May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003

ON TURNING 70

'You still chase women, but only downhill'.


ON TURNING 80

'That's the time of your life when even your
birthday suit needs pressing.'


ON TURNING 90

'You know you're getting old when the
candles cost more than the cake.'


ON TURNING 100

' I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything
until noon . Then it's time for my nap.'


ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING

'I ruined my hands in the ring . the
referee kept stepping on them.'


ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards or,
as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'


ON GOLF

'Golf is my profession. Show business
is just to pay the green fees.'


ON PRESIDENTS

'I have performed for 12 presidents
and entertained only six.'


ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER

'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, '
Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'.'


ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL

'I feel very humble, but I think I have
the strength of character to fight it.'


ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got
cold, mother threw on another brother.'


ON HIS SIX BROTHERS

'That's how I learned to dance.
Waiting for the bathroom.'


ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

'I would not have had anything to eat
if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'


ON GOING TO HEAVEN

'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd
hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

Gosh. As I get older, I suppose I'll being seeing things like this lamenting the disappearance of the "good old days" of the '70s, 80's and 90's... hopefully! That would be fun. I've even done a nostalgic rant or two myself.

Of course there were bad things about those times too, but I think it's human nature to remember mostly the good things about the past. Every era has it's pluses and minuses. Even the one we are living now. And the future... well I'm sure there will be some fun comparisons.