Chas' Compilation

A compilation of information and links regarding assorted subjects: politics, religion, science, computers, health, movies, music... essentially whatever I'm reading about, working on or experiencing in life.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Sunday Funnies, 12/18/05...

Humor from the Church

Here are 20 sentences that actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services.

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

5. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

6. Miss Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

10. Irving and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

11. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

12. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

13. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.



A New Teacher

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you are stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher was surprised, but realized this was an opportune moment to help a child. "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" she asked.

"No, ma'am," Johnny replied, "but I hated to see you standing there all by yourself!"



>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> " THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE"
>
> Living on Earth is expensive,
> but it does include a free trip
> around the sun every year.
>
> How long a minute is
> depends on what side of the
> bathroom door you're on.
>
> Birthdays are good for you;
> the more you have,
> the longer you live.
>
> Happiness comes through doors you
> didn't even know you left open.
>
> Ever notice that the people who are late
> are often much jollier
> than the people who have to wait for them?
>
> Most of us go to our grave
> with our music still inside of us.
>
> If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
> how come nothing is free yet?
>
> You may be only one person in the world,
> but you may also be the world to one person.
>
> Some mistakes are too much fun
> to only make once.
>
> Don't cry because it's over;
> smile because it happened.
>
> We could learn a lot from crayons:
> some are sharp, some are pretty,
> some are dull, some have weird names,
> and all are different colors....but
> they all exist very nicely in the same box.
>
> A truly happy person is one who
> can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
>
> Have an awesome day, and
> know that someone
> who thinks you're great
> has thought about you today!..
>
> "And that person was me.".....
> Please don't keep this message
> to yourself.....send it to those
> who mean so much to you.... "NOW"..
>
>


Compared with Gasoline

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also
puts things in perspective.


Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ........ $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 .......... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ...... $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon

Scope $1.5 oz 0.99 ........$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz 1.49..........$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source.

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on
water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismal or Nyquil.

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

***

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000
a year."

The guy says, "You're bullsh.tting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

***

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"





Female Prayer:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

Male Prayer:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with great boobs,
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.






Phone Shortcuts, Holiday Stress

This last part isn't a joke, but some tips that may help ease your way through the holidays, from Jenny Thompson of the Health Sciences Institute:

Sneaky Paul

Dear Member,

What would you rather do? Talk to a human, or listen to a recorded voice tell you which numbers to push?

I don't know about you, but I get more than a little stressed when I call a customer service number and then spend 10 minutes weeding my way thorough a maze of instructions before I finally get an actual human being on the line.

But I recently came across a blog page that can help. It's called "IVR Cheat Sheet to Find a Human." (IVR is an acronym for Interactive Voice Response.) A blogger named Paul English maintains this list of more than 100 companies in a wide variety of fields, such as finance, airlines, communications, shipping, retail, etc. Each entry on the list tells you inside secrets that let you hop over all the IVR prompts and go directly to a human.

Here's a link you can use to access Paul's IVR cheat sheet:
http://www.paulenglish.com/ivr

And if you're feeling stressed out this holiday season by IVRs, shopping crowds, etc., here's a link to an e-Alert about knocking out your stress (without ripping the phone out of the wall):

http://www.hsibaltimore.com/ealerts/ea200211/ea20021112.html


To Your Good Health,

Jenny Thompson

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