Chas' Compilation

A compilation of information and links regarding assorted subjects: politics, religion, science, computers, health, movies, music... essentially whatever I'm reading about, working on or experiencing in life.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Sunday Funnies 03/19/06



Blogger has been having technical difficulties, the message I read said it is related to server problems, and may take days to sort out. We shall see. (I'm posting this at 11pm Sunday night: if Blogger keeps having problems, I will have to cut back on my blogging til it's fixed). On with the funnies:

The Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks they went into the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"



Sharing a Room
>
>By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
>taken.
>
>"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I
>don't care where."
>
>"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted
>the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you
>the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have
>complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
>
>"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
>
>The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
>bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
>
>"Never better."
>
>The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,
>then?"
>
>"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
>
>"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
>
>"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
>Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said,
>'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
>



Subject: Lottery Winner

A women gets home, screeches her car into the
driveway, runs into the house, slams the door
and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I
pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter.....
just get the hell out!"

****


The Oil Shortage
> >
> > There are a lot of folks who can't understand why we have an oil
> > shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer.
> > Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were
> > getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil
> > is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, Alaska, etc.
> > All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
> >

Now for the Ted Kennedy Children's book cover of the week:


Hat tip to the Kennedy forum thread at FARK.COM.

****

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time but when they hatched we only had ten live chicks, and the moral to the story is, "don't count your chickens until they've hatched." "That was a fine story, Sarah."

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Sue. Aunt Sue was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Sue when she's drinking"





OK, here is a list of "facts" that has been going around the internet. I've had my doubts about some of these, and it appears that I had good reason. Here is the list, and at the end, I will provide a link to a site that debunks more than half of them.

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.!

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have! all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on ly on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer ! of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

..............There, now you know everything!


Well, no, not really! Here is a website where someone had done their homework. He provides links to prove that more than half the claims in the above email are false: A Fact Chain-Mail Debunked on MartinsQuest.com

It's fun to read; the true facts are often interesting in their own right. It just goes to show how you can't assume something is true just because it's circulated on the internet. Yet this link also demonstrates that, with a bit of searching, you can find out what the truth really is. And if you are really interested, check out Martin's "Google Answer's" link at the bottom of his page.

Note: a few of the questions are different! It would seem there have been a couple of variations of this email circulating around.

****

Inspiration


True Story of Courage and Love

Walking down a path through some woods in Georgia in 1977, 1 saw a water puddle ahead on the path. I angled my direction to go around it on the part of the path that wasn’t covered by water and mud. As I reached the puddle, I was suddenly attacked!

Yet I did nothing for the attack was so unpredictable and from a source so totally unexpected. I was startled as well as unhurt, despite having been struck four or five times already. I backed up a foot and my attacker stopped attacking me. Instead of attacking more, he hovered in the air on graceful butterfly wings in front of me. Had I been hurt I wouldn’t have found it amusing, but I was unhurt, it was funny, and I was laughing. After all, I was being attacked by a butterfly!

Having stopped laughing, I took a step forward. My attacker rushed me again. He rammed me in the chest with his head and body, striking me over and over again with all his might, still to no avail. For a second time, I retreated a step while my attacker relented in his attack.

Yet again, I tried moving forward. My attacker charged me again. I was rammed in the chest over and over again. I wasn’t sure what to do, other than to retreat a third time, after all, it’s just not everyday that one is attacked by a butterfly. This time, though, I stepped back several paces to look the situation over. My attacker moved back as well to land on the ground. That’s when I discovered why my attacker was charging me only moments earlier.

He had a mate and she was dying. She was beside the puddle where he landed. Sitting close beside her, he opened and closed his wings as if to fan her. I could only admire the love and courage of that butterfly in his concern for his mate. He had taken it upon himself to attack me for his mate’s sake, even though she was clearly dying and I was so large. He did so just to give her those extra few precious moments of life, should I have been careless enough to step on her.

Now I knew why and what he was fighting for. There was really only one option left for me. I carefully made my way around the puddle to the other side of the path, though it was only inches wide and extremely muddy. His courage in attacking something thousands of times larger and heavier than himself just for his mate’s safety justified it. I couldn’t do anything other than reward him by walking on the more difficult side of the puddle. He had truly earned those moments to be with her, undisturbed. I left them in peace for those last few moments, cleaning the mud from my boots when I later reached my car.

Since then, I’ve always tried to remember the courage of that butterfly whenever I see huge obstacles facing me. I use that butterfly’s courage as an inspiration and to remind myself that good things are worth fighting for.


Copyright 1997 Dave Kuzminski

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