Chas' Compilation

A compilation of information and links regarding assorted subjects: politics, religion, science, computers, health, movies, music... essentially whatever I'm reading about, working on or experiencing in life.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Sunday Funnies 01/15/06

A Midwestern Perspective on Politics and Economics

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbra Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

You can read more like these HERE. Hat Tip to Boortz.com.


The Train Ride
(aka-the short mystery)

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French guy, an American guy, an old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchman again.



For Those Who Need a Chuckle

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

5. Always remember to pillage before you burn.

6. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8. If "clothes maketh the man" then it follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.

9. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving to where you can't find them.

10. The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

11. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

12. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

13. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

14. The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.

15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

16. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

17. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

18. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

19. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

20. If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.

21. One-seventh of life is spent on Monday.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. This is as bad as it can get -- but don't bet on it.

24. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but only the pig enjoys it.

25. The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.

26. Drink varnish and you'll have a lovely finish.

27. We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.

28. If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

29. Employ teenagers - while they know everything.

30. The best antiques are old friends.

31. Down with gravity!

32. Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody...!

33. People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.

34. Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

35. Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.

36. Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it really doesn't matter.

37. When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.

38. An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.

49. If you can't be kind, be vague.




The Positive Side of Life

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

2 Comments:

At Sun Jan 15, 01:31:00 PM 2006, Blogger jgf said...

Since I grew up surrounded by the midwestern perspective, I really loved these!

 
At Mon Jan 16, 11:13:00 AM 2006, Blogger Chas said...

I've never been to the midwest, but I often find their humor very down to earth.

 

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