Chas' Compilation

A compilation of information and links regarding assorted subjects: politics, religion, science, computers, health, movies, music... essentially whatever I'm reading about, working on or experiencing in life.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Sunday Funnies 01/29/06

In an earlier post about Ted Kennedy publishing a book for children, there was a link to Fark.com, where there were multiple entries by readers of book covers for books the senator might consider doing in the future. I will be sharing some of my favorites from there in future Sunday Funnies posts. Pictures like this one:




Hat tip to the forum thread at FARK.COM.

*************

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly...... it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center....


*************


Everyone Needs a Cat

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab."Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...


*************
>
>
> HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
> "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
>
> I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
> DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
>
> SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAMENAME
> HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE
> SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??
>
> UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUG HT. THIS
> BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO
> HAVE
> BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM ...OR COULD HE???
>
> AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK
> HIGH
> SCHOOL.
>
> "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
> "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
> HE ANSWERED, "IN 1969. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
>
> "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
>
> HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
>
> THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
>
>
>




Twelve Step Recovery Plan

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime...and the Web will always be there tomorrow!


(I've really gotta listen to that last one...)

2 Comments:

At Sun Jan 29, 12:18:00 PM 2006, Blogger jgf said...

After that pic, I have to go wash my eyes out with soap!

 
At Wed Feb 01, 05:01:00 PM 2006, Blogger Chas said...

Ain't it awful! ;-)

I felt a little guilty posting the pic, it seemed kinda mean, but then I saw Ted ranting on TV like a mean old drunk, and realized the pic was a good fit. :-)

 

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