Chas' Compilation

A compilation of information and links regarding assorted subjects: politics, religion, science, computers, health, movies, music... essentially whatever I'm reading about, working on or experiencing in life.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Sunday Funnies 02/12/06

I think this is hilarious! It was published recently, drawn by the Akron Beacon Journal's Chip Bok. And now Muslims are protesting outside the newspaper offices. CAIR demands an apology, and they are being backed by other religious leaders... nothing like Useful Idiots to help drive in the nails of the coffin of Free Speech. But on a more entertaining note:

A muslim newspaper has now superimposed the Queen of Denmark's head onto the body of a woman wearing a red bikini.

I think Queen Margrethe II should respond with a public announcement; that the photo ISN'T a fake; she has just aged really, really well! ;)

If she does respond, I'm rather sure that beheading and slaying people will not be a part of her response repertoire.

Now for our Ted Kennedy Children's book cover of the week:



And how about a Ted Kennedy book cover for people old enough to drive:



But how about a future cover for a good Conservative book, by a conservative author, like, say, George W. Bush:



This is one of my favorites! Be sure and click on it to see it as a larger image, and look closely; it's rich with fun details.

JOKES:

(I have NOT tried to confirm if the following story is true or not, and make no claims about it's authenticity...)

Only a Kentuckian could think of this ... from the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently, a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Mt.Sterling Ky. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car.... which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the car... switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then turned on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as the remainder of the vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken"

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Kentuckian.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."




Subject: Six Short Affairs


The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
Where have you been? his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
_______________________________________________________________________

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
_______________________________________________________________________

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr.Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it, put it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
_______________________________________________________________________

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up and went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
_______________________________________________________________________

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
_______________________________________________________________________

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, " I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, " I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."



And how about a touch of inspiration to finish with:

When Your Hut's on Fire....

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island.

He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him.

Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost.

He was stunne d with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?"

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island!

It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.

"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering.

Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

P.S. You may want to consider passing this on, because you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire today.

1 Comments:

At Sun Feb 19, 07:06:00 AM 2006, Blogger Partamian said...

I linked to you on my blog.

 

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