Chas' Compilation

A compilation of information and links regarding assorted subjects: politics, religion, science, computers, health, movies, music... essentially whatever I'm reading about, working on or experiencing in life.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Sunday Funnies 02/19/06

With all the fuss about Mohammed Cartoons, a thread at Fark.com has some suggestions for possible Mohammed Sitcoms:

















You can see more here at Fark.com.


Left or Right?

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill, and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as, "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the left and the right.

****

Mating Season

A famer had five female pigs and, as times were hard , he had determined to take them to the country fair and sell them. while at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.after talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs& split averything 50/50. the farmers lived sixty miles from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles & find a field in which to mate their pigs. the first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am, loaded the pigs into the family stationwagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. while the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "how will i know if they are pregnant?" the other farmer replied,"if they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not." the next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them down, loaded them into the station wagon and proceeded to try again. this continued each morning for a week, until one morning the farmer was so tired he couldn't get out of bed. he called to his wife,'honey,please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field." "neither", yelled his wife, they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn!"




Name Calling

A burglar broke into a house one night. he shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a cd player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "jesus is watching you" he nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, dnd froze. when he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began surching for more valuables. just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard''jesus is watching you'' freaked out, he shown his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. finaly,in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?'' he hissed at the parrot.''yep'' the parrot confessed, then squawked,''i'm just trying to warn you." the burglar ralexed. warn me huh? who in the world are you? ''moses'' replied the bird. moses?'' the laughed.''what kind of people would name a bird moses?'' the kind of people that would name a rottweiler jesus''

****

And Now for our Ted Kennedy Children's book cover of the week:



And a guest book cover of the week, from France:



Thanks to the forums at Fark.com.

****

Inspiration:

He Failed His Way to the Top

From time to time, life as a leader can look hopeless.
To help you, consider a man who lived through this:...

Failed in business in '31
Defeated for the legislature in '32
Again failed in business in '34
Sweetheart died in '35
Had a nervous breakdown in '36
Defeated in election in '38
Defeated for Congress in '43
Defeated for Congress in '46
Defeated for Congress in '48
Defeated for Senate in '55
Defeated for Vice President in '56
Defeated for Senate in '58
Elected President in '60...
This man was Abraham Lincoln.





May You Have...

Enough happiness to keep you sweet.
Enough trials to keep you strong.
Enough sorrow to keep you human.
Enough hope to keep you happy.
Enough failure to keep you humble.
Enough success to keep you eager.
Enough friends to give you comfort.
Enough wealth to meet your needs.
Enough enthusiasm to look forward.
Enough faith to banish depression.
Enough determination to make each day better than yesterday

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home