Sunday Funnies 02/26/06

That Al Gore IS funny, isn't he? Perhaps he's just following Bill Clinton's example of bashing America when speaking overseas. Hat tip to The Chatterbox Chronicles for the comic.

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A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said," Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and soon back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.

He agreed to abide by the local custom.The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toedwork boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff then made the lawyer loose his early morning breakfast.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naaaaaah, I give up now. You can have the duck."


THE SWISS ARE DIFFERENT


Here is an interesting photo from the inside of a public toilet in Switzerland. Hat Tip to Blah Blah Blog - The Soap Box, click the link for the full explanation.

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About a century or so ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite eachother for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.""Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd. "I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."

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A few more Mohammed TV shows:















You can see more here at Fark.com.

Chuckles

1. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.

2. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"

13. Definition of a teen-ager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.

16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping". Now I just "chunky dunk".

17. The early bird still has to eat worms.

18. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

22. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

23. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

24. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

- Author Unknown


And our Ted Kennedy Childrens Book Cover of the week:



And guest book cover:




Now and Beyond

On the day after Jack Benny's death in December, 1974, a single long stemmed red rose was delivered to Mary Livingstone Benny, his wife of 48 years.

When the blossoms continued to arrive, day after day, Mary called the florist to find out who sent them.

"Quite a while before Jack passed away," the florist told her, "He stopped in to send a bouquet. As he was leaving, he suddenly turned back and said, "If anything should happen to me, I want you to send Mary a single rose every day."

There was complete silence on Mary's end of the line, then weeping, she said, "Goodbye."

Subsequently, Mary learned that Jack had actually included a provision for the flowers in his will, one perfect red rose daily for the rest of her life.

A touching and romantic final gesture from a man born on Valentine's Day.