Sunday Funnies 03/15/15

Islamic Holdem'

An actual product called "Poo-pouri"

I don't know which is more weird and funny, the commercial, or the fact that the product is a best-seller on Amazon.com. I'm sure that someone must be laughing all the way to the bank. Good for them!

Don't forget to see Second Hand Stink, and Even Santa Poops.
     

Beware of the clown...

The Sad Truth About Ronald McDonald



The story is all over the internet, with minor variations. But sometimes, with a rather violent alternate ending.
     

What's wrong with "The Never Ending Story"?

Plenty, if you really look at it:

7 Terrible Life Lessons Learned from 'The Neverending Story

It's hard to find someone who hasn't seen 1984's The NeverEnding Story at least once, if only on cable. It's one of those movies like The Shawshank Redemption that didn't seem like a big deal at the time, but now is as much a part of our childhoods as playing with Legos or shooting people because we knew the courts couldn't prosecute minors.

That's why it's a little disturbing when we look back on that movie with adult eyes and see some of the fucked up lessons we were unknowingly being taught. Lessons like ... [...]

Read on, for a good chuckle. I remember even thinking about some of these myself, when I first saw the movie.

     

Sunday Funnies; Mayan Predictions

Since getting DSL, I've been looking at some of the Mayan 2012 prediction videos on Youtube. They're pretty nutty.

Here is my prediction:

     

Don't Worry, The End is Near

     

Sunday Funny 10-30-11

But is this really anything new? I don't think there has ever been a candidate I ever really got "excited" about, ever since I was able to vote. It's an imperfect world, with imperfect people, candidates, political parties and politics.

Quite often you have to choose the lesser of two evils, and make the most of it.
It's called "working with what you have", V.S. "pie in the sky".
     

Preparing for the Rapture in the I.T. world

This was written in anticipation of Harold Camping's May 21st prediction, but could easily be recycled for the next prediction by anyone. Hilarious advice:



10 Things IT Groups Need to Know About The End of the World

[...]

7. Avoid disruption.

At 5:45 p.m. Saturday, invite all the Christians on staff to pray in a conference room or auditorium. That way you minimize the network and systems disruption, not to mention the drama, when they all vanish.

6. Review all software licenses.

Make sure they don't expire immediately before or after The Rapture.

Despite being employees of West Coast companies, your Cisco or Microsoft reps might be among the missing (possibly less likely with Apple). Afterward, you might be able to push for a Rapture Discount on new software and hardware.

5. Install mobile device management software.

With an application like MobileIron, you can shut down and lock, and later locate, any cellphones left behind by Raptured staff. Otherwise you could be hit with huge data charges if the phones were on and online when their users were taken. And make sure they're all equipped with bumpers so when they hit the desk or the pavement they won't break.

4. Postpone the upgrade to Windows 7.

You could save money (fewer users) and avoid disruptions (missing tech support staff) by waiting until after The Rapture to move to Microsoft's Windows 7 operating system.

3. Block all internal video transmissions and external streaming for 48 hours.

Let's face it, if you're in a telepresence conference and people start blinking out, it's bound to be disconcerting. Plus, you just know YouTube is going to be flooded with video clips of people's family, friends, acquaintances, or worse, themselves, poofing into thin air. The UnRaptured won't be able to stop themselves from clicking on the links, and the video traffic will bring your network to its knees. [...]

Isn't it nice to know someone's thought about all the practical follow-up details? Read the whole thing for more advice. The author knows his topic rather well.


Related Link:

Finding God Through Open Source
     

Sunday Funnies: Obama/Pelosi jokes

I got this in my email:

Late Night Guys Have Obama Figured Out!


The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.

We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

--- Jay Leno


Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

--- Conan O'Brien


Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

--- Jay Leno


Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.

--- David Letterman


Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!

--- Jimmy Fallon


Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

--- Jimmy Kimmel


Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

--- David Letterman


Smile, it adds face value!

     

Sunday Funnies: "Maxine" does the Economy

The "Maxine" comic is a popular one in emails, usually regarding issues humorous to seniors, but sometimes other things too. Recently I got these in my email:


















     

Miss Retro Modern looks at the "Atomic" interior decorating designs of the 50's and early 60's.

I love the modern furnishing styles of the 50's and early 60's, which often looked simple yet comfortable and cheerful. Here are some samples:

From Miss Retro Modern's Atomic Decorating collection:














And the sensible pastel colored kitchens with all the counter space:







Homes in the 50's and early sixties looked very... comfortable, and easy on the eyes. But then, about the mid 60's into the 70's, a lot of bold experimentation started, with wild colors and crazy patterns. Sometimes the results were shockingly hideous:




I've previously posted about some of the weird, horrible, and sometimes wonderful decorating experiments of the groovy 60's and swingin' 70's:

Groovy Interior Decorating of the 70's

Amusing Interior Designs of the 60's and 70's

You have to wonder, what exactly happened to the collective human consciousness in those 20 years? Drugs, I think, were a large part of it. Of course it wasn't all bad either, I feel quite nostalgic for some of it. Go visit Miss Retro Modern's 60's and 70's pages and see for yourself:

Your Swingin' Pad

Many of the photos are shocking, but you are also bound to find something you like. And be sure to scroll down below each picture to read the comments left by MRM and her visitors. Some of them are very entertaining and hilarious.

Miss Retro Modern also has other numerous collections of vintage photographs on an assortment of subjects, if you care to check them out:

Miss Retro Modern's photostream
     

Sunday Funnies, 12-20-09

Here are some jokes I got in my email:

A Slow Day in Texas

It's a slow day in the little Texas town of Port O'Connor. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk and says he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

Sad but true. And if one link in that chain of events breaks, there would be trouble. Next joke:

Little Johnny

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades and there was really nothing to do. All the kids are restless and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln".

The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go".



Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".

The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go".



Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".

The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go".



Johnny was BOILING MAD by now that Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said,

"I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher spun around and said, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

One more:

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries,
a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I laughed at this, but it also reminded me of something.

I have a very dear aunt, who is in her 80's. She had always been an excellent driver. But one day, she found herself driving the wrong way on a one way street, towards an oncoming truck. She avoided the accident, but she had no recollection of how she got in that situation.

It was the first time something like that happened to her, and she made up her mind it would be the last. She voluntarily surrendered her drivers license. It was hard for her to do, because she loved to drive, but she's also a very sensible lady. She also didn't want to put anyone else's life at risk.

The family are all glad because we want to keep her around as long as possible, God bless her.
     

Sunday Funnies: Dancing Birds and Babies

I got both of these in my email:



I thought, gee, I wonder if I can find them on YouTube. Well yeah, they were there and easy to find too, at the top of each search.



I have only seen them for the fist time recently, but it seems that they have been popular on YouTube for a while now. But the ones I got in my email don't have the advertisements on the edges. When did Youtube start doing that? I don't like the ads overlapping the video, they are annoying and detract from the experience. I say put the ads below the video, not OVER it.
     

Monday Funny, 11-23-09

     

Sunday Funnies, 07-05-09

Here is a "ghost" story from my email:

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him ... and it stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there wasn't anybody behind the wheel.

And the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started crying, ... begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying hysterically, and ... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night.

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

"Look, Paddy ... there's the asshole who got in the car while we were pushin' it !

Also from my email, check out this modern version of the "Noah's Ark" story:

Noah Today
     

Monday Funny: The Voca People

I got this in my email. Weird, but entertaining:



The Voca people (very funny and amazing!)

No instruments or any sound effects! AMAZING! :)

www.lidorproductions.com

Very funny!

The song list:

Intro: Era-Ameno
1. Johann Sebastian Bach - Toccata and Fugue in D minor
2. Hallelujah
3. The Entertainer
4. Chordettes - Mr. Sandman
5. Glen Miller - In The Mood
6. Elvis Presley - Tutti Frutti
7. Beach Boys - I Get Around
8. Doobie Brothers - Long Train Runnin'
9. Madonna - Holiday
10. Michael Jackson - Billie Jean
11. Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams
12. Mori Kante - Yeke Yeke
13. Nirvana - Smells like teen spirit
14. Spice Girls - If you wanna be my lover
15. Los Del Rio - La Macarena
16. Rednex - Cotton Eyed Joe
17. Britney Spears - Hit Me Baby One More Time
18. Baha Men - Who Let the Dogs Out?
19. C+C Music Factory - Gonna Make You Sweet (Everybody Dance Now)
20. Will Smith - Switch
21. Madagascar 5 vs. KK Project - I Like To Move It
Category: Entertainment
Tags:
voca people very funny theathre no instruments or sound effect amazing www.lidorproductions.com watch rosszpc xbox360 ps2 ps3 Lior Kalfo Lidor Productions new performance Official Shai Fishman Fish-i Studios thevocalpeople voca-people origenal music Eyal Cohen Oded Goldstein Adi Cesare Kozlovski Naama Levi Liraz Rachmin Inon Ben David Boaz Leeorna Solomons

Great fun! May it brighten your Monday.
     

Monday Funnies: 23 Quotes About Government

These are from a recent email:

Wise Sayings: Government

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one
useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more
is a Congress. -- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if
you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member
of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into
prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to
lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always
depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow
man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a
sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from
poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving
whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
--Frederic Bastiat

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a
few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving,
regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and
report the facts. -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until
you see what it costs when it's free. -- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as
much money as possible from one party of the citizens to
give to the other. -- Voltaire

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics
doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
--Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the
legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain

17. Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it. --Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a
happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing
of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the
equal sharing of misery.-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist
is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of
folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...
save Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Gerald Ford

With some of these, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
     

Monday Funnies: Country Music Humor

I got a copy of this in my email recently:



I wouldn't say I'm a big country music fan, but my parents liked it, so I was raised on it. As a music genre, it's very open to humor.
     

What a computer glitch can look like...

Especially one with fur. I got this in my email recently:

I can't respond
to any emails today,
Something has crashed
on my computer . . .

          

Sunday Funny: Californian Geography